A Mirror in Camp

         Recently I just attended a camp/ rehearsal of my university's Chinese Music Group. I had a pretty good time, and our rehearsal there was the most productive one so far. Although I only spent one night at the tranquil camp site of Campedown, and I went there only with the intentions of rehearsing and having fun, I have discovered quite a bit more about myself.
 
       First, I realised that I still have quite a long way to go in my quest for universal love. I realised this when I met this guy. He was small in built, short in height, very knowledgable, very sociable, seemed to be very helpful towards others, had a cute girlfriend, and liked by everyone... everyone except me. Disliking him is an understatement. I think I actually found him rather repugnant. He complemented on my jacket, and I said thanks without smiling or even looking at him. But why? I hardly even know this guy. How can I dislike someone whom I don't know? Was I judging a person too quickly again? I sat away from the crowd, found some silence within me, and tried to squeeze out some spiritual washing-liquid to cleanse this stain of hatred from me.
 
        To eradicate the effect he is having on me, I first had to find the cause. Why did I find him so repugnant? Several reasons came up. This guy seemed to be going the distance to make everybody happy. He was flaunting his knowledge, his dance moves, trying to "help" us with our dance steps, and showing off whatever he could to impress people. Perhaps that reminded me of the part of myself that I am trying to get rid of. I too used to go the distance to impress people, make people laugh, and make people like me. I still do it once in a while, but I stop myself when I become mindful of my actions, because I came to realise that this form of popularity is just a secondary perk that comes from being truly sincere in wanting to help people and wanting to make people happier. So I guess that I despise this guy because I despise what I see in the reflection of a mirror in the form of this shorty.
 
         Another cause could be that I feel a little inadequate with him around. Everyone just loved him. Everyone welcomes him into conversations. Everyone smiles when he comes. The amount of attention that he can command is really impressive. I guess I just can't help but give him the label of "born leader". Now when I think about it, it seems to me that I still crave that kind of attention. There is this ego within me that is hungry, that wants to be fed with the "ooo's" and "ah's" and "wow's" and "haha's" of people. At one point in my life, I believed that I was made for that purpose. But at a later point in my life, I decided that this is a weakness that has almost led me to do stupid things, stopped me from doing smart things, and I had to stop feeding the blob of pride. Now, like a drug addict under rehabilitation with a poppy-filled syringe in front of him, I am tempted to regress into my old habits, and I am just hating the person who is tempting me.
 
          With him around, I also start to question my role in life again. I always thought that I had the capabilities to assume the leader role, and thought of getting into a field involving such capabilities. But after looking at him, I started to doubt that I had it within me. During the camp, my presence did not make people smile, did not make people happy, and I could not command as much attention as he could. He could get people to start playing pretty stupid looking but fun games, and he could get people to listen to what he has to say. I always had trouble doing such things in the past, but heck, leaders come in different shapes and sizes, with all kinds of abilities. He has the quality to entertain people, and I believe that I have others. All it takes is a challenge to present itself.
 
          There wasn't much fun in this camp. There never is much fun in discovering the dark-side of oneself. There is even less fun in rectifying it. It's hard to clear the clouds of my sky, and it's hard to let go of such burdens caused by certain desires. But the clear blue view and the lightness of releasing a sack is always worth the effort. Guess I have to thank this guy for letting me despise him.